How To Make Your Own Global Warming Crisis, In Three Easy Lessons

Written by Roger Graves

Now that the latest Climate Change Conference is over, we lesser mortals are left wondering what it was all about. Whatever it was meant to achieve, what actually happened was that a lot of people went on luxury trips at taxpayers’ expense. Having said that, it occurred to me that some of you might like to start your own global warming crisis so that you too can go jet-setting around the world. Hey, it's better than shovelling snow off your driveway. So here is a guide to setting up your very own global warming crisis.

Lesson 1. If it's bad, it's due to global warming.

Getting a good crisis going is really quite easy. Just wait for any natural disaster to happen and then claim that it’s all because of global warming. When hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans in 2005, it was obviously due to global warming. We know it was because the high priests of global warming everywhere said so, and how could they all be wrong? The fact that hurricanes make landfall on the US most years, so it was only a matter of time before one hit a big city, must not be mentioned. So next time a hurricane, an ice-storm, an earthquake, or whatever, occurs, it's up to you to declare loudly and continuously that it's all because of global warming.

Remember - if it's too hot, it's because of global warming. If it's too cold, it's because global warming has upset the normal weather patterns. And if the weather is just right it's an indication that global warming has got something really bad for us in the future.

Lesson 2. Ignore any inconvenient historical data.

Anyone not blind, deaf or terminally disinterested will have heard that ice is melting in the Arctic. This entirely predictable result of global warming (see Lesson 1) will result in floods, fires, storms, and probably milk going sour. The CBC says so, so it must be true.

Of course, you must make sure that people don't look up any historical records, like this report from the Washington Post of 1922, which indicates that much the same warming was happening then. If this sort of thing gets out, people will start to think that Arctic ice comes and goes for its own good reasons, and then where would you be? You must impress on them that any melting is entirely unprecedented and is an incontestable sign of global warming. Luckily, our educational system is on side here to ensure that most people graduating from high school nowadays are only dimly aware that the world existed before they were born.

Artic Ice 1922

Lesson 3. If all else fails, just make it up.

You've probably all seen those temperature graphs showing how the world is heating up, so that we will be able to fry eggs on the sidewalk by the end of this century. The raw data for them comes from thousands of individual temperature recording stations around the world, so all you have to do is collect the data, type it into a computer, and voilà.

Sometimes, however, the data from an individual station needs to be adjusted. A typical reason for this would be that the station was originally in the middle of a field, but over the years development has occurred so the station is now in a built-up area. Since buildings leak heat to the outside world, it is usually warmer in built-up areas than in open country. In such cases thetemperature record for that station would normally be adjusted downwards to account for this urban heating.

Bearing this in mind, here is the record for a temperature measuring station near Darwin, Australia since about 1880. The station was originally in open country but is now in the middle of Darwin Airport. The "adjusted data", as used by various scientific groups who provide information for the UN IPCC reports, is also shown. The lower set of points, in blue, are the original data, while the upper set of points, in red, are the adjusted data. The heavy black line shows the amount of adjustment made to the data to get from the blue set to the red.

Darwin Zero Temperature Homogeneity Adjustment by GHCN

This shows how the real professionals go about creating a global warming crisis, and should be borne in mind by anyone wanting to make their own crisis. Never mind that the record actually shows a slight cooling over the last century, our IPCC investigators, regardless of their own personal safety, have courageously introduced a 6 deg C per century temperature rise. Extrapolate this to the end of this century and the hens in Darwin will be laying hard boiled eggs.

And there you have it. Make sure the media is firmly told that anything bad is solely due to global warming, ignore any inconvenient historical data, and for the rest, just make it up. So where shall we have our next climate change conference? Somewhere warm with beaches would be my preference. See you there!

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